Down in lumber, things can be pretty quiet. Especially at night, when most people don't really have a use for wood. (Aha! - No perverts please). Right around 9:20 or so, things have been quiet for quite some time. I am thinking to myself, perhaps I will get through the night without incident. Perhaps tonight, the human species attempted to salvage a hint of intelligence. Oh, cmon now, we all know better.
At the 9:20 mark, three people come in through the lumber doors. Old black lady and what looked like her husband, and a younger black lady (possibly their daughter). The younger one was about 30+ or so, but it was painfully obvious right from the get go that she had the IQ of that piece of cedar by the desk. You see, generally, at 9:20 pm, (21:20 for you military folks) it is dark out. Tonight was no exception. The sun goes down, and its dark out. Fascinating. Yet, this moron decided that she is going to wear glasses into the store. Now, I am not talking reading glasses, I am talking full blown 10" spec sunglasses. The kind that runway models wear to block the paparazzi from blinding them.
So this bucked tooth Blues Brother wannabe then turns to me, and asks "where da wata heatas are at." This can't end well. She still hasn't taken off her sunglasses, and on top of it, she is looking for a water heater at this time of night. I point her towards the "Heating" aisle and shake my head, hoping that they go up front to pay instead of the lumber aisle. I knew better though. They would be back.
Sure as it was dark outside, they came back, with a big ol' water heater in tow on one of our flatbed carts. I rang them up, and as I am doing so, Bucktooth asks me for some rope. I tell her there is rope in the Hardware department, thinking she was asking where the rope was at. But oh no, her rudeness and ignorance knows NO bounds. Perhaps thats why she hides almost half her face in shame behind those huge solar powered sun glasses. She then tells me that the store provides rope to tie things down with. I am 99% sure they don't, but you never know. She then wants me to get someone to help her and her..."parents" load it into the back of their truck. Still not sure if those are her parents, but we will go with it.
I am giddy at this point, because I already have played out in my mind how this is going to happen. I eagerly dial up the lumber guy to come out and help these people, and I use the term loosely, to load up this water heater. But, they don't even bother waiting for him, they begin moving this big ol' unit out to the truck.
Lumber guy comes up, and I point him towards my prey, I mean, the customers, and inform him that she is going to demand some rope. He looks at me oddly and says that we don't provide rope for the customer, that is something they need to bring or buy.
Yes! This is fantastic!
I shrug and smile, knowing full well the painful conversation he is getting ready to have. Poor guy. So I watch from my window as my boy explains to Bucktooth that the store doesn't provide rope. The dad then practically lifts the water heater into the back of the truck by himself (didn't think he had it in him!) and our guy comes back in with the cart.
He grabs a gatorade out of the cooler and we watch and enjoy these three dance around in the truck, trying to find the best way for it to sit in the flatbed without falling over as they go back home. What makes this so awesome is that Bucktooth never takes off her glasses. Never. It takes them almost 15 minutes before they finally drive off, leaving the water heater vertical in the back of the truck, which was the exact way they had originally put it in. I think my face was locked in this pose.
http://www.fancydressstore.ie/CUuploads/Shop/items/867/1550a_scream_mask.jpg
In those 15 minutes, not one of them had the common sense to come back in and purchase some rope or bungee cord from the hardware department to prevent the eventual disaster that would be the water heater falling out of the back of the truck. Not one of them thought to at least come in and try using the twine that the store provides that is right next to the door as they entered and left.
After we laughed, and cried, my friend from lumber went back to his work. It was 9:58, and I was getting ready to close shop when another couple comes in and wants to purchase 50, yes...fifty cement blocks.
Really?
The only thing I could possibly think of that you would need 50 cement blocks for at 10 pm would be to use them to tie down the bodies as you throw your victims into the river. I promptly flick my light off, and point them towards the masonry aisle. I am taking no part in this little scheme of theirs to slaughter 50 bodies and then hide them. That, and I am off the clock. Fuck it.
-Deimos
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
TPS Report 06/13/09
I know I haven't been as diligent as you would have expected me to be about my TPS Reports. I am sure that some of you have begun questioning if stupid people still came into my place of work. Fear not, for I have come fully loaded tonight. Tonight, I present to you with a TPS Extravaganza!
I boldly will bring you not 1, not 2, but three (3) TPS Reports rolled into one! Thats triple coverage! Not only is this limited time offer yours, but I am also throwing in a new segment into the blog as well, and its absolutely free! It will be added on at the end of this post, just like the "Species of Self Checkout" are. A fine dessert for your synical meal.
So, if you are a loyal reader to my musings, then it will come as no surprise to anyone that this TPS Report happens in the Self Checkout. What makes this truly remarkable is that it all happened in about a twenty minute span. Thats impressive, even by my standards. I mean, twenty minutes isn't even a TV show. We are talking pretty fast here.
It is important to understand that we have had some problems at the self checkout recently. Our machines are vomiting left and right, and so we are requesting that customers help us out by not being stupid. There are four checkout lanes. One of them has a yellow sign right above the monitor. The thing practically lights the front end of the store by itself. I mean, it is yellow. On it, it says that if you opt to pay with cash, when it prompts for a phone number, please do not decline it, or it could crash the software.
Now, I understand that the programmer must really suck, since this is an option that comes up every time someone pays with cash. However, if you don't want to give out your phone number, even though the hardware store doesn't solicit you, its understandable. Just punch in any number. No one really cares in the long run. The only reason we do it is so if you need to return something, you can without a receipt. We can just look you up by phone number. Either way, just don't decline the option, its all we ask.
The other three kiosks have a big green sign above their monitors that says: DEBIT/CREDIT cards only at this time. NO CASH
Please note how the methods of payment are in huge bold letters. This is done to emphasize exactly what is on these signs. It is important that these machines do not take cash, because again, the software is now on the fritz so to speak, and feeding these machines money could cause them to crash. If you need to use cash, use the one with the yellow sign, and please make sure you include a phone number.
It is surprising how many illiterate people come to the hardware store, and ask me if any of the machines take cash. What makes this horribly worse is that they aren't a part of the TPS Report this week, if that tells you how bad its going to get.
So, the first few minutes go by alright, when a man comes around the corner with a shopping cart brimming with stuff. He has various amounts of tools and bolt/nail bags in his cart. Mostly stuff from lumber and hardware. On top of all this he has about half a dozen very long pieces of wood. You know the kind. The 12 foot pieces that smack stuff off of shelves as you turn a corner. He turns an about face towards me, and then looks down at the nearest kiosk and then into his cart. He does this a couple more times, his view bouncing back and forth between the 2 and a half foot scale and his cart bulging with stuff. Then, with a very sincere and straight face, he shoots a look at me and says, "This isn't going to work, is it?"
I rub my temple for a second before grimacing and shaking my head. No...no it isn't. I tell him I don't advise using self checkout due to the obvious size and volume of the items selected. He then says that it shouldn't matter how many items a person has, he should be able to use the self checkout. He then walks towards one of the cashiers and stands in their line.
Are you serious? With the amount of shit you had in your cart, you would have to check out at a truck stop just to use their damned scale. And judging by your white knuckles, they couldn't have any trucks on their either, or the scale would break. Hurricane Katrina couldn't have knocked over your cart! And don't worry about the crap you knocked over with your lumber. I mean, really..."It shouldn't matter..." my ass. Why do you think grocery stores and other places have a 12 item limit? Its not because they don't like you, its because it becomes unreasonable to cram that much crap on such a scale. The only reason we don't have an item limit is because 13 nails will fit on that scale. You want to know the real reason "this won't work?" Its because you are a dipshit.
So after this little incident, a few minutes later, a woman heads over to one of the kiosks with the green signs on it. You know, the ones that say "no cash" on them. Do I even need to continue with this? Of course she shoves money in the hole. To hell with signs, she is entitled and ignorant, and will do what she pleases. She shows absolutely no remorse when the machine begings to whir and the red light flashes as the whole kiosk locks up tighter than a politician. I get real shitty with her too. Dammit, if you had at least said you were sorry, I might have tried to be pleasant. But oh no. So when she looks at me with a small smirk on her face, I ask if she would like to pay the bill to get it fixed. Her eyes widened as I point to the camera screen that has her on video jamming the kiosk. I then inform her we will call her if we need her monetary assistance in upgrading our systems. The woman probably canceled her phone service tonight.
Not 30 seconds later, a dude comes around with one item. He goes to the cash machine, thank god, and pays for his item normally. Of course, he fucks up, because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be mentioned. He hits the "decline" button when prompted for the phone number. Of course, he does this while I am putting the TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE sign on the other kiosk. No sooner do I put the sign up, but I hear that familiar whir. The machine locks up like Fort Knox, and the dude is almost 1/3 the way out the door, his receipt still dangling from the machine. Un-fuckin-belivable. Where in the hell do you people come from?! It was unfortunate that I wasn't able to give him hell like I did the other lady. Ah well, karma will get him. I guess I will just have to live with the fact that he will be "the one that got away."
* * *
Now, as promised, here is a new segment of the blog, and as usual, we owe thanks to the self checkout kiosks. This segment is going to be items that appear on my screen as people scan them. Of course, they are in all caps, and are often times shortened due to length on the screen. So in order to accomodate this, they only use key words. They get rather descriptive with these words, despite lack of room.
CARROT, BIG TOP
Its either a circus, or that annoying Carrot Top guy got famous.
PAPERBEAD 90 DEGREES INSIDE CORN
Didn't know typewriters were made of vegetables.
MALE TERMINAL ADAPTER
Sounds like it would hurt your manhood.
30 CT WOOD FOR GOOD WIPES
Hey, you would have wood too if you had a good wipe. Not sure you would have 30 of them though.
10 OZ KNOCKDOWN TEXTURE
Its what pavement feels like.
BALLCOCK ADJUSTABLE 10-14 IN
For those who are adjustable in some areas.
VIBRATING VOLTAGE TESTER
Again, sounds painful to your manhood.
-Deimos
I boldly will bring you not 1, not 2, but three (3) TPS Reports rolled into one! Thats triple coverage! Not only is this limited time offer yours, but I am also throwing in a new segment into the blog as well, and its absolutely free! It will be added on at the end of this post, just like the "Species of Self Checkout" are. A fine dessert for your synical meal.
So, if you are a loyal reader to my musings, then it will come as no surprise to anyone that this TPS Report happens in the Self Checkout. What makes this truly remarkable is that it all happened in about a twenty minute span. Thats impressive, even by my standards. I mean, twenty minutes isn't even a TV show. We are talking pretty fast here.
It is important to understand that we have had some problems at the self checkout recently. Our machines are vomiting left and right, and so we are requesting that customers help us out by not being stupid. There are four checkout lanes. One of them has a yellow sign right above the monitor. The thing practically lights the front end of the store by itself. I mean, it is yellow. On it, it says that if you opt to pay with cash, when it prompts for a phone number, please do not decline it, or it could crash the software.
Now, I understand that the programmer must really suck, since this is an option that comes up every time someone pays with cash. However, if you don't want to give out your phone number, even though the hardware store doesn't solicit you, its understandable. Just punch in any number. No one really cares in the long run. The only reason we do it is so if you need to return something, you can without a receipt. We can just look you up by phone number. Either way, just don't decline the option, its all we ask.
The other three kiosks have a big green sign above their monitors that says: DEBIT/CREDIT cards only at this time. NO CASH
Please note how the methods of payment are in huge bold letters. This is done to emphasize exactly what is on these signs. It is important that these machines do not take cash, because again, the software is now on the fritz so to speak, and feeding these machines money could cause them to crash. If you need to use cash, use the one with the yellow sign, and please make sure you include a phone number.
It is surprising how many illiterate people come to the hardware store, and ask me if any of the machines take cash. What makes this horribly worse is that they aren't a part of the TPS Report this week, if that tells you how bad its going to get.
So, the first few minutes go by alright, when a man comes around the corner with a shopping cart brimming with stuff. He has various amounts of tools and bolt/nail bags in his cart. Mostly stuff from lumber and hardware. On top of all this he has about half a dozen very long pieces of wood. You know the kind. The 12 foot pieces that smack stuff off of shelves as you turn a corner. He turns an about face towards me, and then looks down at the nearest kiosk and then into his cart. He does this a couple more times, his view bouncing back and forth between the 2 and a half foot scale and his cart bulging with stuff. Then, with a very sincere and straight face, he shoots a look at me and says, "This isn't going to work, is it?"
I rub my temple for a second before grimacing and shaking my head. No...no it isn't. I tell him I don't advise using self checkout due to the obvious size and volume of the items selected. He then says that it shouldn't matter how many items a person has, he should be able to use the self checkout. He then walks towards one of the cashiers and stands in their line.
Are you serious? With the amount of shit you had in your cart, you would have to check out at a truck stop just to use their damned scale. And judging by your white knuckles, they couldn't have any trucks on their either, or the scale would break. Hurricane Katrina couldn't have knocked over your cart! And don't worry about the crap you knocked over with your lumber. I mean, really..."It shouldn't matter..." my ass. Why do you think grocery stores and other places have a 12 item limit? Its not because they don't like you, its because it becomes unreasonable to cram that much crap on such a scale. The only reason we don't have an item limit is because 13 nails will fit on that scale. You want to know the real reason "this won't work?" Its because you are a dipshit.
So after this little incident, a few minutes later, a woman heads over to one of the kiosks with the green signs on it. You know, the ones that say "no cash" on them. Do I even need to continue with this? Of course she shoves money in the hole. To hell with signs, she is entitled and ignorant, and will do what she pleases. She shows absolutely no remorse when the machine begings to whir and the red light flashes as the whole kiosk locks up tighter than a politician. I get real shitty with her too. Dammit, if you had at least said you were sorry, I might have tried to be pleasant. But oh no. So when she looks at me with a small smirk on her face, I ask if she would like to pay the bill to get it fixed. Her eyes widened as I point to the camera screen that has her on video jamming the kiosk. I then inform her we will call her if we need her monetary assistance in upgrading our systems. The woman probably canceled her phone service tonight.
Not 30 seconds later, a dude comes around with one item. He goes to the cash machine, thank god, and pays for his item normally. Of course, he fucks up, because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be mentioned. He hits the "decline" button when prompted for the phone number. Of course, he does this while I am putting the TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE sign on the other kiosk. No sooner do I put the sign up, but I hear that familiar whir. The machine locks up like Fort Knox, and the dude is almost 1/3 the way out the door, his receipt still dangling from the machine. Un-fuckin-belivable. Where in the hell do you people come from?! It was unfortunate that I wasn't able to give him hell like I did the other lady. Ah well, karma will get him. I guess I will just have to live with the fact that he will be "the one that got away."
* * *
Now, as promised, here is a new segment of the blog, and as usual, we owe thanks to the self checkout kiosks. This segment is going to be items that appear on my screen as people scan them. Of course, they are in all caps, and are often times shortened due to length on the screen. So in order to accomodate this, they only use key words. They get rather descriptive with these words, despite lack of room.
CARROT, BIG TOP
Its either a circus, or that annoying Carrot Top guy got famous.
PAPERBEAD 90 DEGREES INSIDE CORN
Didn't know typewriters were made of vegetables.
MALE TERMINAL ADAPTER
Sounds like it would hurt your manhood.
30 CT WOOD FOR GOOD WIPES
Hey, you would have wood too if you had a good wipe. Not sure you would have 30 of them though.
10 OZ KNOCKDOWN TEXTURE
Its what pavement feels like.
BALLCOCK ADJUSTABLE 10-14 IN
For those who are adjustable in some areas.
VIBRATING VOLTAGE TESTER
Again, sounds painful to your manhood.
-Deimos
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Question and Answer Time with Deimos
Before I delve into the happenings of more idiots, I think it is time to answer some questions about this blog that have been asked by my "throngs" of readers. Again, these are real questions that have piled up over time. I am getting tired of answering them.
1. So [Deimos], why don't you use your real name, or that of the companies you work for?
Two words. Plausible deniability. Companies get into a big stink when you reveal a few of your inner workings to a public. And since things posted on "The Intrawebs" is serious business, and therefore, considered published works, it is best to remain anonymous. Granted, most of my readers probably know me, and probably know where I work, but its always better to cover your ass than to risk getting sued or something awful like that. And to prove this point home, for the people who asked this question, I didn't use your name.
2. I mean, really, these aren't true stories, are they?
What makes this blog so neat is that these are in fact true stories. All of them. The TPS Reports, the articles, and even my own cynical thoughts are all true. Its sad that there are that many stupid people out there, and as the blog grows, I think we will all get a greater sense at just how bad our gene pool has gotten. It might be time to start that Revolution I was thinking about.
3. You ever thought of publishing your blog into a book once it gets large enough, or even writing a book about it?
Two words. Plausible deniability. Last thing I want is some asshole Publisher getting money off my idea while I get sued. We all know they would want names, and then I would get mentioned in there somewhere. Ugh. Besides I wouldn't want fame and fortune to go to my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2c4L4CPfQY8
4. I got one for your blog. You will never believe...
Stop. Just stop. Write your own damn blog. I don't mind hearing your stories, but they aren't my experiences. My blog. My shit. My experiences. If you want your tales told in story and/or published, either hire me or go write your own. And, unlike some, I am not easy or cheap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2QccunIArs
5. You really going to be able to do 1 blog a week?
Hopefully. I mean, if I don't, the World explodes, so you better keep your fingers crossed. Sometimes I may not be able to, but the goal is to do at least 1 a week. Sometimes, you might be getting more, in which case, you should be even more grateful I let you glimpse into my small World.
Sorry about the lack of TPS Report or amusing article today. I am sure sometime this week, someone will do something stupid, and we can all have a good laugh at it.
-MW-
1. So [Deimos], why don't you use your real name, or that of the companies you work for?
Two words. Plausible deniability. Companies get into a big stink when you reveal a few of your inner workings to a public. And since things posted on "The Intrawebs" is serious business, and therefore, considered published works, it is best to remain anonymous. Granted, most of my readers probably know me, and probably know where I work, but its always better to cover your ass than to risk getting sued or something awful like that. And to prove this point home, for the people who asked this question, I didn't use your name.
2. I mean, really, these aren't true stories, are they?
What makes this blog so neat is that these are in fact true stories. All of them. The TPS Reports, the articles, and even my own cynical thoughts are all true. Its sad that there are that many stupid people out there, and as the blog grows, I think we will all get a greater sense at just how bad our gene pool has gotten. It might be time to start that Revolution I was thinking about.
3. You ever thought of publishing your blog into a book once it gets large enough, or even writing a book about it?
Two words. Plausible deniability. Last thing I want is some asshole Publisher getting money off my idea while I get sued. We all know they would want names, and then I would get mentioned in there somewhere. Ugh. Besides I wouldn't want fame and fortune to go to my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2c4L4CPfQY8
4. I got one for your blog. You will never believe...
Stop. Just stop. Write your own damn blog. I don't mind hearing your stories, but they aren't my experiences. My blog. My shit. My experiences. If you want your tales told in story and/or published, either hire me or go write your own. And, unlike some, I am not easy or cheap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2QccunIArs
5. You really going to be able to do 1 blog a week?
Hopefully. I mean, if I don't, the World explodes, so you better keep your fingers crossed. Sometimes I may not be able to, but the goal is to do at least 1 a week. Sometimes, you might be getting more, in which case, you should be even more grateful I let you glimpse into my small World.
Sorry about the lack of TPS Report or amusing article today. I am sure sometime this week, someone will do something stupid, and we can all have a good laugh at it.
-MW-
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