TPS Report 06/22/09

Down in lumber, things can be pretty quiet. Especially at night, when most people don't really have a use for wood. (Aha! - No perverts please). Right around 9:20 or so, things have been quiet for quite some time. I am thinking to myself, perhaps I will get through the night without incident. Perhaps tonight, the human species attempted to salvage a hint of intelligence. Oh, cmon now, we all know better.

At the 9:20 mark, three people come in through the lumber doors. Old black lady and what looked like her husband, and a younger black lady (possibly their daughter). The younger one was about 30+ or so, but it was painfully obvious right from the get go that she had the IQ of that piece of cedar by the desk. You see, generally, at 9:20 pm, (21:20 for you military folks) it is dark out. Tonight was no exception. The sun goes down, and its dark out. Fascinating. Yet, this moron decided that she is going to wear glasses into the store. Now, I am not talking reading glasses, I am talking full blown 10" spec sunglasses. The kind that runway models wear to block the paparazzi from blinding them.

So this bucked tooth Blues Brother wannabe then turns to me, and asks "where da wata heatas are at." This can't end well. She still hasn't taken off her sunglasses, and on top of it, she is looking for a water heater at this time of night. I point her towards the "Heating" aisle and shake my head, hoping that they go up front to pay instead of the lumber aisle. I knew better though. They would be back.

Sure as it was dark outside, they came back, with a big ol' water heater in tow on one of our flatbed carts. I rang them up, and as I am doing so, Bucktooth asks me for some rope. I tell her there is rope in the Hardware department, thinking she was asking where the rope was at. But oh no, her rudeness and ignorance knows NO bounds. Perhaps thats why she hides almost half her face in shame behind those huge solar powered sun glasses. She then tells me that the store provides rope to tie things down with. I am 99% sure they don't, but you never know. She then wants me to get someone to help her and her..."parents" load it into the back of their truck. Still not sure if those are her parents, but we will go with it.

I am giddy at this point, because I already have played out in my mind how this is going to happen. I eagerly dial up the lumber guy to come out and help these people, and I use the term loosely, to load up this water heater. But, they don't even bother waiting for him, they begin moving this big ol' unit out to the truck.

Lumber guy comes up, and I point him towards my prey, I mean, the customers, and inform him that she is going to demand some rope. He looks at me oddly and says that we don't provide rope for the customer, that is something they need to bring or buy.

Yes! This is fantastic!

I shrug and smile, knowing full well the painful conversation he is getting ready to have. Poor guy. So I watch from my window as my boy explains to Bucktooth that the store doesn't provide rope. The dad then practically lifts the water heater into the back of the truck by himself (didn't think he had it in him!) and our guy comes back in with the cart.

He grabs a gatorade out of the cooler and we watch and enjoy these three dance around in the truck, trying to find the best way for it to sit in the flatbed without falling over as they go back home. What makes this so awesome is that Bucktooth never takes off her glasses. Never. It takes them almost 15 minutes before they finally drive off, leaving the water heater vertical in the back of the truck, which was the exact way they had originally put it in. I think my face was locked in this pose.

http://www.fancydressstore.ie/CUuploads/Shop/items/867/1550a_scream_mask.jpg

In those 15 minutes, not one of them had the common sense to come back in and purchase some rope or bungee cord from the hardware department to prevent the eventual disaster that would be the water heater falling out of the back of the truck. Not one of them thought to at least come in and try using the twine that the store provides that is right next to the door as they entered and left.

After we laughed, and cried, my friend from lumber went back to his work. It was 9:58, and I was getting ready to close shop when another couple comes in and wants to purchase 50, yes...fifty cement blocks.

Really?

The only thing I could possibly think of that you would need 50 cement blocks for at 10 pm would be to use them to tie down the bodies as you throw your victims into the river. I promptly flick my light off, and point them towards the masonry aisle. I am taking no part in this little scheme of theirs to slaughter 50 bodies and then hide them. That, and I am off the clock. Fuck it.

-Deimos