My New Year's Resolution

So, due to the fact that my postings have been sporatic over the last several months, I think it is only fair that I give You, my Loyal Readers, a double dosing of stupidity to calm your nerves. It is important to note that I, Deimos, have no intention of continuously showering my readers with bonuses such as this, because in reality, I owe you nothing. However, since the "festivities" of the Holidays are over, I should pass out some of these leftovers. I mean, they are clogging up my fridge pretty bad.

The first serving of stupidity comes from, get this, myself. Now, I know what you are thinking. Is he really going to put himself on his own blog of infamy? Yes. Yes I am. Remember, if you can't make fun of yourself, you have no right making fun of other people. Since we have the later in spades, we need to at least play a hand of the former and make fun of the author. I am ok with it, so you should be too.

I was leaving my parents' house. Their driveway is rather steep. Not like 89 degree incline steep, but perhaps like a 30-40 degree slant. Either way, if you roll something down it, it keeps moving, and usually gains speed in doing so. It was a pain in the ass when you tried to do things that required you not falling down, like playing basketball and shovelling snow. I move speedily to my car, because, lets face it, I have things to do before the Holidays hit, and I drank one too many cups of coffee at my folk's house, prompting tardiness.

I start the car and kick it into reverse. As I am backing down the mini-mountain, I realize my seatbelt isn't on. Being a safe and cautious driver (/sarcasm) I reach for my seat belt and give it a quick pull. So, just because you are in a hurry, doesn't mean that you should rush things that don't need to be rushed. As I yank on the seatbelt strap, I suddenly fly back in my car. The windshield yields to the ceiling in my car, and I am now driving while laying down. This, of course, causes problems because I am going backwards down my parents' driveway.

It had to have looked like one of those scenes from a movie where the moron gets his seatbelt stuck on the lever on the side of the seat. The type of scene where someone watching it would laugh, but in the back of their mind would think: Nah, thats a little far fetched. There is no way that happens in real life.

Ah, but it does. Me, trying to tap the break with my outstretched foot while trying to shift into park must have been a sight to behold. After I sat up and regained control of the situation, I laughed at my awkwardness for several seconds before fixing the seat and continuing on my way. Of course, I put on my seatbelt as well.

So, dammit, why does the chair go all the way back like that for the driver? I mean, if you are going to have sex in a car, do it in the back seat. Otherwise, someone's ass could hit the horn. If you are that large of a person, you shouldn't be driving that car, or possibly at all. Poor design with a poor result. Fix your damn seats!

So, you may not be able to relate to my car troubles, but I bet you can relate to how stupid people can be...on New Year's Eve. So, the wife books our plans in most cases, especially when it involves our family. So, when New Year's rolled around, we were headed off to another couple's house for some frivolity. Nothing major, mind you, we were going to have some pulled pork sandwiches and play the Wii. (The Super Mario Bros Wii game is awesome, and I highly recommend it).

Our friends asked us if we could bring some snacks and the buns for the pork. We obliged, but we had neither in the house. This meant...you guessed it. A trip to the grocery store seven hours before the end of the year. Now, Friday night brings out the weirdos anyways. Believe me, I know, I have worked retail. And New Year's brings out even more of these wackjobs. So when you combine the two at a place that sells alcohol, things tend to get stupid.

We pull up to the store, and it is a mad house. My very pregnant wife smiles at me, and I know what that smile means. I am getting out of the car and braving this storm alone. Her, my son, and child to be, are waiting in the car. So my wife turns the corner in the parking lot to drop me off by the door, and here is where things go horribly wrong.

You see, I have a problem with traffic laws. I think they are done poorly. According to the laws here, Pedestrians have the right of way. This is a severe mistake. The rules of the road should be: If you are larger, you have the right of way. People wandering out in front of a car gets dangerous. The response usually is: "Well, if you hit me, I will sue." My response? "If I hit you, you are dead."

Unfortunately, in this crazy world, the Pedestrians have the right of way. So, we have to wait and countless amounts of inconsiderates stumble in front of our car with no concern that we may not give a damn and plow them under our muffler. Lucky for them, my wife drove. I finally, and I mean finally get out of the car. I have a few items to get. Buns, chips, and drinks. How bad can it be?

Ha. Grocery stores can't all be cool. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVrIyEu6h_E

Well, the traffic laws apparently are also in affect while in the grocery store. I have never seen so many fat asses take up a whole aisle. Its either their ass, their cart, or both. After several close calls and a couple minutes of biting my tongue, I started ramming people with my cart. I didn't care if it was their cart or their ass, they were getting rammed.

I mean, really, how can you think you are the only person who exists in the grocery store? Jesus people, have some decency and stand to the side while you are looking so the rest of us can get by. The only people who are exempt from my yelling were the couple in the drink aisle. You see, I wanted some two liters, and they were in my way. But, get this, they noticed it. So they moved a little so I could reach over them and get my drink. At first, I thought, why not move more, but then I realized that they were, in fact, in line to check out. Its just that the line extended that far.

Checking out, of course, provides a whole slew of new challenges. For example, the man with the mullet in front of me who didn't have a cart, but had so much crap in his arms he couldn't see where he was going. He was also kicking his case of beer because he didn't have any room. Now, how are you going to get that out to your car Mr. Hilljack? Moron. Thank god you got shuffled to another line.

Of course, I was a glutton for punishment, and opted to go through self checkout. Now, anyone who has kept up on this blog knows how painful this can truly be. Sure enough, it took forever. Why? Well, when I finally got to check out, of the four self check out lanes, two were tied up by...you guessed it...the flashing red lights of idiocy. Felt bad for the dude having to monitor the self check out. I really felt his pain.

One lane was clogged because someone was trying to use a coupon that expired a month ago. And the coupon was for...get this... fifty cents. Nice. Brains God gave a goose, I swear. If you are going to try and use expired coupons, do it in a full service lane, so you can at least bullshit the person scanning your items. Its hard to bullshit software at a grocery store.

The other imbecile who was holding up the process was the "I don't give a shit if I have 67 items, I am going through self checkout" person. I believed it looked something like this:

The "Not Drawn to Scale": This subspecies is similar to the Weightless, except they understand the concept of what a scale is, they just don't understand that it measures weight properly, and that a 1'x4'x16' piece of lumber isn't going to fit on a scale designed for a bag of fertilizer. Just isn't going to happen. They lean it up on the edge of the scale, so that it damn near smacks the camera dangling from our 40' ceiling. Then, when the red light goes off, they throw up their hands in disgust, claiming that they put the piece of "OMGTOOBIG" on the scale. No dickstump, you didn't. You leaned it up against the edge of the scale. Have you ever only put your toe on the scale in your bathroom? Its not an accurate reflection of your weight, regardless of how big your big toe actually is. Then, after I give them the green light, they complicate the matters by...you guessed it, trying to move the lumber so that it fits on the scale...thus setting off the red light.

And...

Dis "Count:" An offshoot of the Faux Independent, the Count likes to have coupons that have to be redeemed up at the register. Or, even worse, they purchase items at are on sale, and must manually be altered by the supervising person, hence defeating the point of self checkout.

I believe this idiot falls under that classification. After I wade through the Sea of Stupid and wind up with our groceries, I call my wife and let her know I am on my way out the door. After parading through the pedestrians, we are finally able to leave. My son, little bugger, asks me what took so long. My response? It was busy in there son.

I just don't have the heart to break it to him yet.

-Deimos