TPS Report 04/20/2009

This past Sunday, it was raining. And I mean raining. Hard enough to postpone baseball games until July, but not hard enough to stop a football game. (Then again, what is?) So needless to say, I am on the front lines at the hardware store. Biting my tongue is difficult at times, especially when you have 40,000 square feet to cover and there is bound to be at least 1 idiot in there somewhere.

Well, just so happens, there were several idiots today. Let me paint the scene for you. I come back from my little 15 minute breather, and there is a shopping cart full of flowers and other gardening accessories off to the side of the aisle by the cashiers. No one around. I mean no one. I figure some 13 year old ran out and pulled some stuff from the Lawn and Garden center and ran it in here. Haha...jokes on us. Moron.

So, I begrudgingly turn on my light, to indicate I am there to appease the masses. Woman two lanes down also has her light on. About ten minutes later, I have all but forgotten this shopping cart in the aisle, after all, out of sight, out of mind. Suddenly, there is a big ol' argument two lanes to my right. There, two very large and very angry women are arguing over a shopping cart filled with plants and other gardening accessories.

OK, first of all, if you are planning on planting these flowers during the rainstorm, you are an idiot, so immediately, my analysis of the situation is that we have two fat, stupid chickens bawking over a shopping cart full of stuff that could easily be gotten off the shelves. We have 40,000 square feet people, we have more of whatever it is you want, especially PLANTS in APRIL. If you aren't planting these when you get home, what are you going to do, let them sit on your table? Makes no sense. Again, they are idiots, it might.

So the fat white hen squabbles that it was HER cart, and she left it there to go get other items (which, by the way, she has NONE of in hand). The black fat chicken says, Nuh uh, this be mine. Argument basically goes like this. Finally, fat white hen fluffs her feathers at the poor cashier, who wants nothing more than to help the next person in line. (Where are the managers at this point? Jesus, save this poor woman! Needless to say, they never come.) The cashier just smiles and shrugs. It was the right thing to do. Why? Because at this point, fat white hen notices that I am paying attention to the situation.

So she clucks over to me a little and asks that I "make this woman give me my cart back." I blink a few times to assess the situation. Black chicken outweighs me by a good 200 lbs. If I could clip her leg, I might be able to roll out of the way before she comes tumbling down. However, this is risky. I could get rolled up into a spamburger. Again, we are dealing with items that are plentiful in lawn and garden. Heavens forbid you strut back over there and get some more exercise to get the items you want. Not exactly a risk versus reward type of deal. I smile at her and politely ask where she left the cart. (As if I didn't know)

She points over to the aisle I saw the cart at. I then string her along, asking who was watching the cart. No one. How long were you gone? She says less than five minutes. I cock my eyebrow at fat white hen. "Well," I said, "I have been here for about fifteen minutes, and the cart was here when I got out here, and it was unattended. An unattended cart is like merchandise on the shelf." White hen's face gets a little red. I continue on, trying to push the point home. "Even if it is YOUR cart, (which it isn't, because it says Property of ) I can't MAKE her do anything."

Furious, fat white hen struts up to black chicken and shouts in her ear "I hope you are happy with yourself." Black chicken says "Yea, cuz I didn't do nuthin'." Fat white hen, feathers ruffled, stomps out of the store. I look at the cashier, who at this point, is almost mortified. I smile a Cheshire Cat smile at her before turning back to my lane. Another satisfied customer in the books. "NEXT!" I yell boomingly.

-Deimos