TPS Report 06/13/09

I know I haven't been as diligent as you would have expected me to be about my TPS Reports. I am sure that some of you have begun questioning if stupid people still came into my place of work. Fear not, for I have come fully loaded tonight. Tonight, I present to you with a TPS Extravaganza!

I boldly will bring you not 1, not 2, but three (3) TPS Reports rolled into one! Thats triple coverage! Not only is this limited time offer yours, but I am also throwing in a new segment into the blog as well, and its absolutely free! It will be added on at the end of this post, just like the "Species of Self Checkout" are. A fine dessert for your synical meal.

So, if you are a loyal reader to my musings, then it will come as no surprise to anyone that this TPS Report happens in the Self Checkout. What makes this truly remarkable is that it all happened in about a twenty minute span. Thats impressive, even by my standards. I mean, twenty minutes isn't even a TV show. We are talking pretty fast here.

It is important to understand that we have had some problems at the self checkout recently. Our machines are vomiting left and right, and so we are requesting that customers help us out by not being stupid. There are four checkout lanes. One of them has a yellow sign right above the monitor. The thing practically lights the front end of the store by itself. I mean, it is yellow. On it, it says that if you opt to pay with cash, when it prompts for a phone number, please do not decline it, or it could crash the software.

Now, I understand that the programmer must really suck, since this is an option that comes up every time someone pays with cash. However, if you don't want to give out your phone number, even though the hardware store doesn't solicit you, its understandable. Just punch in any number. No one really cares in the long run. The only reason we do it is so if you need to return something, you can without a receipt. We can just look you up by phone number. Either way, just don't decline the option, its all we ask.

The other three kiosks have a big green sign above their monitors that says: DEBIT/CREDIT cards only at this time. NO CASH

Please note how the methods of payment are in huge bold letters. This is done to emphasize exactly what is on these signs. It is important that these machines do not take cash, because again, the software is now on the fritz so to speak, and feeding these machines money could cause them to crash. If you need to use cash, use the one with the yellow sign, and please make sure you include a phone number.

It is surprising how many illiterate people come to the hardware store, and ask me if any of the machines take cash. What makes this horribly worse is that they aren't a part of the TPS Report this week, if that tells you how bad its going to get.

So, the first few minutes go by alright, when a man comes around the corner with a shopping cart brimming with stuff. He has various amounts of tools and bolt/nail bags in his cart. Mostly stuff from lumber and hardware. On top of all this he has about half a dozen very long pieces of wood. You know the kind. The 12 foot pieces that smack stuff off of shelves as you turn a corner. He turns an about face towards me, and then looks down at the nearest kiosk and then into his cart. He does this a couple more times, his view bouncing back and forth between the 2 and a half foot scale and his cart bulging with stuff. Then, with a very sincere and straight face, he shoots a look at me and says, "This isn't going to work, is it?"

I rub my temple for a second before grimacing and shaking my head. No...no it isn't. I tell him I don't advise using self checkout due to the obvious size and volume of the items selected. He then says that it shouldn't matter how many items a person has, he should be able to use the self checkout. He then walks towards one of the cashiers and stands in their line.

Are you serious? With the amount of shit you had in your cart, you would have to check out at a truck stop just to use their damned scale. And judging by your white knuckles, they couldn't have any trucks on their either, or the scale would break. Hurricane Katrina couldn't have knocked over your cart! And don't worry about the crap you knocked over with your lumber. I mean, really..."It shouldn't matter..." my ass. Why do you think grocery stores and other places have a 12 item limit? Its not because they don't like you, its because it becomes unreasonable to cram that much crap on such a scale. The only reason we don't have an item limit is because 13 nails will fit on that scale. You want to know the real reason "this won't work?" Its because you are a dipshit.

So after this little incident, a few minutes later, a woman heads over to one of the kiosks with the green signs on it. You know, the ones that say "no cash" on them. Do I even need to continue with this? Of course she shoves money in the hole. To hell with signs, she is entitled and ignorant, and will do what she pleases. She shows absolutely no remorse when the machine begings to whir and the red light flashes as the whole kiosk locks up tighter than a politician. I get real shitty with her too. Dammit, if you had at least said you were sorry, I might have tried to be pleasant. But oh no. So when she looks at me with a small smirk on her face, I ask if she would like to pay the bill to get it fixed. Her eyes widened as I point to the camera screen that has her on video jamming the kiosk. I then inform her we will call her if we need her monetary assistance in upgrading our systems. The woman probably canceled her phone service tonight.

Not 30 seconds later, a dude comes around with one item. He goes to the cash machine, thank god, and pays for his item normally. Of course, he fucks up, because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be mentioned. He hits the "decline" button when prompted for the phone number. Of course, he does this while I am putting the TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE sign on the other kiosk. No sooner do I put the sign up, but I hear that familiar whir. The machine locks up like Fort Knox, and the dude is almost 1/3 the way out the door, his receipt still dangling from the machine. Un-fuckin-belivable. Where in the hell do you people come from?! It was unfortunate that I wasn't able to give him hell like I did the other lady. Ah well, karma will get him. I guess I will just have to live with the fact that he will be "the one that got away."

* * *

Now, as promised, here is a new segment of the blog, and as usual, we owe thanks to the self checkout kiosks. This segment is going to be items that appear on my screen as people scan them. Of course, they are in all caps, and are often times shortened due to length on the screen. So in order to accomodate this, they only use key words. They get rather descriptive with these words, despite lack of room.

CARROT, BIG TOP

Its either a circus, or that annoying Carrot Top guy got famous.

PAPERBEAD 90 DEGREES INSIDE CORN

Didn't know typewriters were made of vegetables.

MALE TERMINAL ADAPTER

Sounds like it would hurt your manhood.

30 CT WOOD FOR GOOD WIPES

Hey, you would have wood too if you had a good wipe. Not sure you would have 30 of them though.

10 OZ KNOCKDOWN TEXTURE

Its what pavement feels like.

BALLCOCK ADJUSTABLE 10-14 IN

For those who are adjustable in some areas.

VIBRATING VOLTAGE TESTER

Again, sounds painful to your manhood.

-Deimos