After a few minutes of sheer boredeom, a woman comes up to the line to pay for her items. She seems nice enough, and small talk about common things begins to happen, such as the weather, and "How's business going?"
To be honest, this is where I should have seen the red flag. Perhaps I was just trying to hard. What do you care about how our business is doing? Its doing well enough for you to be here, isn't it? Again, she was probably just trying to be nice, but at this rate, and the way she was trying to seem genuinely interested, she might as well asked if I wear boxers or briefs.
Finally, her total bill rings up. Her total came up to just over fifty bucks. She pulls out her credit card and swipes it. We go through the motions of ringing up her sale when a "DECLINED" comes up on my register. Now, at this point, remember that I am still trying to be nice. After all, I am on "Customer Service," I tell her that the card was declined. However, I immediately ask if she wants to try it again.
This would seem counter-intuitive, since it just declined it, but sometimes, it declines it because it doesn't read it right. Our card swipers, on a scale of 1-10, rate right around a "Kick to the Nuts." So, explaining this in a "PC" way, I ask if she would like to try again. She nods, saying that she just used it yesterday.
Once again, we go through the motions. Once again, it declines it. I ask her if she would like me to try and swipe the card on my register. (Note: This is rather a poor business practice by the company. Why don't we just swipe it ourselves to start? It would save so much time.) She says, yes, although she is a bit irate at this point.
So I swipe her card. And, you guessed it...same result. Declined. Now, here is where things get ugly. Three strikes and she is out. I tell her the card is declined, and asks if she would like to use a different method of payment. Perhaps blood, or common decency? Neither. Instead, she starts throwing a complete temper tantrum.
Things such as, "I can't believe this bullshit, and what the fuck do you mean its declined?!" Her face gets really red and she starts breathing heavy as she explains, once again, she just used the card yesterday. Meanwhile, a line is forming behind her, and she is really starting to make a scene. One of my 12 Supervisors sees what is happening and begins inching towards my position. If I am going to make her look like an idiot, I have to do it quickly.
I look down at the card, pretending to be perplexed, when the answer hits me square in the face. I grin a little and offer her her card back. I explain to her that it is expired, and she glares at me. My shoulders droop a little and the conversation ensues thusly:
Me: Maam, your card is expired.
Moron:
Me: ...yesterday. I know. But today is May 1st.
This throws her off guard a bit. She crinkles her red nose and continues to stare at me.
Me: Maam, its May 1st.
Moron: You just said that...
Me: Yes. Your card expired on April 30th. See?
I point to the card, where the expiration clearly reads 04/09.
Me: Would you like to use a different form of payment today?
At this point, I am trying to sound like an automated machine, asking her the same question I have been asking her for a couple minutes now.
The cheeks flush as she turns and walks out of the store without a sound. Damn you! Now we have to take all this crap and put it back on the shelves. One of the 12 looks at me and says, "What was all that about?"
I shoot her a quick glance. "Just another happy customer," I mumble. That was all the response she was getting from me. Took her how the fuck long to move 8 feet to my position? If you are going to be my supervisor, those are the types of customers you are supposed to handle when her face gets all red. Letting me shoot that woman down was cruel and unusual punishment. You're fired.
* * *
As promised, I have another species to add to the "Self Checkout Customer."
The "Voter for Change": Generally, this species tends to be much older, like, blue hair older, and carries large purses that you could stuff bodies into. After buying a bottle of Windex and a sponge, they insist on paying with exact change. To make matters worse, its normally in pennies. One cent at a time, they pay their bill while the line forms behind them. Then, when they are about 14 cents away, the set their purse down...you guessed it...on the scale, in order to fish for the last 14 cents. The hilarity of the red light ensues, and, in most cases, they are oblivious to it, since they are shoulder deep in their giant body bags looking for coins.
-Deimos
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