TPS Report 05/22/2009

Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. You see, women are only abled to be pushed so far before it backlashes. The problem men face is that they don't know when to quit, or for that matter, when they shouldn't even start. In all honesty, this guy had it coming.

Numbnut of the day comes up and sets a piece of discounted glass on the counter. This is not too odd, since we are at the hardware and lumber register of the store. I alter the price of the item, and it comes up to $5.86.

Now, even I can manage $5.86, but apparently, this dude couldn't. I saw some bills in his wallet when he opened it, but I couldn't tell what they were. He says, hang on, my wife has 100 bucks I wanna get changed. I am thinking his wife is down the hall or something. No, she is in the parking lot. He starts yelling at her from inside the store to his truck halfway out of the parking lot.

Now, granted, the double doors to the parking lot are right by the register, and they are open, but seriously dude. How dumb can you be? No matter how loud or menacing you sound, she is not going to hear you. So he struts out there and goes to the car, leaving the glass on the counter, and the line forming behind him.

He finally gets back into the store 2 1/2 minutes later (I kid you not). It looked like he was coming up, but then he would go and head back out. The line was getting rather impatient, and it wasn't with me. (Most of the customers down in Hardware are pretty cool, and I usually don't mind working down there.)

So, finally, this woman comes in with him, and she looks pissed off something proper. I would be too. This guy was yellin' all sorts of profanities to get her in the store. I decided it was in my best health to make this guy look like a total asshole, and save me the wrath of this very irate woman. She asks the total. I regurgitate the number of $5.86.

She says, no, I mean, for all the items. Miss, that is all the items. Its just that one. Her eyes get very wide as she starts to tremble. Its like watching a volcano. "Say what?!" she screams.

Score.

"Boy, you gots 15 bucks in yo' wallet, Why the fuck did I have to come in here?!" The dude yells back at her that he wanted to get the 100 dollar bill changed.

Oof. Wrong answer there pal. She is very pissed. She hands me the 100, and I give her her change as quickly as possible. I try not to make direct eye contact. I am afraid lazers will come out of her eyes and seer my skin off.

Now, first of all, if you got money, why the hell would you go back out into the parking lot and have your "signifcant other" pay for something. (Not sure if they were married. Probably were.) Secondly, whats the point in getting that 100 dollar bill in the first place if you are just going to have it cashed? Why not carry 20s instead? The point of a 100 dollar bill is so if you have to make a heavy purchase, your wallet isn't bloaded like a fat guy at the buffet. They aren't meant to be "cashed." Checks are cashed. Not 100s. Moron.

However, the best was yet to come! So after the dysfunctional duo leave, I start ringing out another customer. It is at this point, we hear yelling in the parking lot. We turn to see the couple arguing and screaming profanities at one another. The guy has made a serious tactical error, however. You see, when he came inside, he left the woman in the truck, so not only does his wife, or whomever, have most of the money currently on them, but she also has...the keys to the truck.

The last I saw of them was the dude running after his ride as it was turning right out of the parking lot. The remaining customers and I had a field day with this, laughing it up at this moron's lack of foresight, and overall general stupidity. (Like I said, most of the hardware/lumber customers are pretty cool). I mean, honestly. You never piss off A) A woman B) A woman you have emotional ties with C) A woman with the only keys to the car.

* * *

Self Checkout Species Files:

The "Checker:" This customer does just fine scanning items. In fact, they are a natural. They don't trip the scale, and only bring items that will actually fit on the scale. They are very adept at hiding their idiocy. Alas, it always comes out in the end. After everything is said and done, they opt to write a check...in self checkout. Um, and who is going to verify this check? That's right, someone else. Me. Making this a waste of time, as once again, people do not understand what self checkout means. Also, more often than not, the Checker will use their knee as a table, and where will they put their foot? On the scale of course.

-Deimos