TPS Report 05/20/2009

Today's report comes to you from the outside section of the store. We commonly refer to it as Lawn and Garden. (LG from here on out). The lines are always very long, and there is a certain type of customer in the outer fringes of the store.

You see, in general, when people buy plants, flowers, or vegetables, they buy them en masse. And I mean this wholeheartedly. They will come up with flatbeds full of plantlife. Now, my ergonomic gamer loving ass with allergies shouldn't be outside that long to begin with. But when you add the fact that there is almost a never-ending conga line going through that checkout, the day can seem to drag on.

Now, the customers out there are really broken into two types. There are the really cool ones who understand that the people in front and behind them each have 50 items to ring up, and they also have a cartload of stuff as well. They are totally cool with waiting because human beings are only capable of moving so fast. (This includes other customers digging for exact change).

The other type is the one I will have to write about. These are the hippies whose time is far too valuable and have the patience of a 2 year old wanting candy. They tend to be rude, snotty, and overall unpleasant in their quest for a completely organic life. Today's episode is one of these "people."

A couple comes up, and begins putting their stuff on my register space before I am done with the customer ahead of them. This is always a bad omen, and often times, I wonder if people really know how rude they are being. So after the other customer has to push her stuff out of the way to swipe his credit card, I could see the vein in her forehead throbbing already that someone has dared challenge her universe.

It was going to be a long afternoon.

Now, note, it is daylight out while this is happening. It is also quite hot. I will explain later why this is important. So the woman shoves her stuff into the center of the counter, and I begin scanning. I scan the five plants or so she has on there before I raise my little lazer gun and look down at her flatbed where she has more garden style tools awaiting purchase.

Now, my little lazer gun is cordless, so when I need to do these types of things, like scanning items near the ground, it is easier for me to do so. But, when I bring my gun up to rest on my shoulder, the woman begins screaming at me.

"Watch what you are doing, you could have blinded me!"

Now, at this point, I am thinking she has to be talking to someone else. Perhaps another customer almost poked her in the eye with a stick or something. However, when I turn around, there she is, red faced with that stupid vein in her forehead again, and she is staring at me. Someone as old as this lady should not be able to get her face that red, unless she got trapped in a tanning booth. It just isn't healthy. I look around to make sure I am understanding that she is in fact, yelling at me.

I respond very politely (this was a mistake) and ask her what she is talking about. Her response? I could have blinded her with the lazer.

Wow.

OK, first of all, this lazer can barely scan the damn barcodes you people bring up here. The barcodes are covered with dirt, grime, and God knows what else. These little lazers are thin beams that flicker in and out, and barely work. Secondly, they only work when I am pulling the trigger. They aren't really substantial lazers that stay on afterwards. Because of these two things, this lazer is clearly NOT strong enough to do any real damage to your eyes unless you stared at it for a good week or so. Thirdly...it's daytime! (Told you this would come back). How the fuck can you even see the damned lazer is beyond me, because I focus at where it is on the barcode, and I can't see it most of the time. You mean to tell me you could even though you don't know where its specifically pointed at? No. I doubt it.

I try to politely explain that she was not in danger of this lazer. (Again, a mistake. I should have learned at this point). She then proceeds to go off on me. I really don't give a rat's ass. I am ready for my lunch break. The guy with her (assumingly her husband) is rolling his eyes in great pain, as if wishing this bitch would just shut her piehole and pay for her damn flora.

After I ring up the items, and suppress my laughing, I give them the total. The guy swipes his gift card he had, and it takes care of most of the bill. He then pulls out his credit card, and after he swipes it, Lazer Bitch waves a coupon in my face, saying I need to take 10 dollars off the card.

Score.

You see, I can't scan the coupon now that the gift card has been swiped. The computer won't let me back out. Haha Beeotch. She then starts throwing a temper tantrum, and the dude with her just shakes his head and swipes his card. I roll my eyes at him. We both smile. I feel his pain. I actually almost pity him. I mean, after this, I don't have to put up with her shit. He does. Thats what you get for marrying a succubus.

Of course, I always get the last laugh on customers like these if I can. After she walked out, I fired my lazer at the back of her skull. This was my third mistake, because I was going for cancer in the brain at that point. But, you can't have cancer in something you don't have.

To make this whole thing better, the dude in line after her brings up a tiller and sets it on my counter. Tillers are those tools for turning dirt that have the spikes on the end of them. (For those that don't know). He smiles and says "I bet this thing can do more damage than your lazer."

HA!

I laugh a bit before I look at the woman walking to her car. You are more than welcome to try sir. You are more than welcome to try.

-Deimos