TPS Report 05/16/2009

This week's TPS Report comes to us from, once again, the Self Checkout line, where I continue to catalog different species of idiot. Now, I am also coming to understand that while my list is far from complete, there are also several types of people who could classify as more than one species. Observe:

Our Moron d'Jour comes up to the line. She has a cart full of stuff. (Turns out to be 14 items). She is also on a cell phone, and has two kids, one is about 10, the other 7. Not a good start. Not only is she not paying attention to what she is doing, but she isn't paying attention to her kids either, and she is in a hardware store. Reminds me of those Farside comics you used to see where there were two buildings next to each other, and the caption simply read: "Trouble Brewing." Normally, these two buildings would be like, an alligator farm, and a nursery. This is kind of how I felt about this woman with her kids. It just spelled trouble.

Things started out well enough, she bagged about 3 items or so with no trouble or cause for concern, but then things went down hill fast. You see, she started this spiral by removing the bag from the scale, and dropping it into her cart. Ding ding ding. Right light of stupidity flashes, and the dance has begun. Speaking in very heavy Ignorant, she asks why she can't continue to scan items. After quite calmly stating to her that the thing she is standing next to is indeed a scale, she says, "Oh, so I gotsa keep dat on der?"

Yep. You gotsa.

So, she places, and by places, I mean throws, the bag back on the scale, opens up a new bag and tries to scan the item. It takes a second for the scale to recover from the sheer velocity of the throw, but it manages. 3 items later...you guessed it, the red light goes off again as she removes the 2nd bag and puts it in her cart.

Now, at this point, its pretty obvious she has the IQ of the broomhandle she just scanned, since she just made the same basic mistake 20 seconds prior. After once again explaining the obvious, she hands the bag to her 10 year old son, and tells him to hold it on the scale. Now, at first glance, this seems kind of smart, since the broom handle is sticking way out of the bag. However, it is fundamentally flawed.

You see, the kid holds the broom handle just like he was asked, but in doing so, he is applying pressure, and therefore, weight, to the already overtaxed scale. Red Light of Stupidity flashes once more. I don't even let them see it, I just promptly hit the button. The Moron d'Jour scans a gallon of paint. (Who would ever trust this woman with paint is beyond me.) She then proceeds to set it on the floor.

Wow. Just wow. This lady is a walking red light special, and not of the provocative kind either. The poor 7 year old girl pushing the cart is about bored to tears. The woman, realizing the light was red, asks me if she has to put that [paint] on the scale too.

Now, seriously people. How long do I have to hold my tongue on this? This really isn't fair. I nod silently, fully realizing that if I open my mouth, I will probably end up getting fired. So next up, she throws something small into one of the bags. Again, I am emphasizing throwing. But, the item is so small, the scale isn't picking up the weight. The monitor asks if she would like to skip the bagging process on this piece. She, of course, is on the phone.

So, the kid decides to take it into his own hands, and lifts the broom off the scale and tries to push the button on the screen with the end of the broom handle. Now, first of all, why would you jab at a piece of electronics with a broom handle? Secondly, in doing this, he has tripped the scale once again. Red lights for everyone! Really stupid there kiddo. Its pretty obvious whose ass you got shot out of.

The next 6 or 7 items go about like this, occasionally, it takes two mercy buttons to get them through an item. When everything is said and done, they managed to scan all 14 items, and I only had to push the Moron button a whopping 17 times. 17! Thats more than 1 per item! I didn't think that was possible! So, I have dubbed her Queen of the Red Light Special. (QRLS)

Ugh. I totally have discovered a new species, or at least a subspecies...

The Quarterback: This customer likes to throw things on the scale. They may also have other species types, such as Waitless or Weightless, but the emphasis is on trying to cause as much damage as possible to the equipment, usually by throwing heavy or sharp objects onto the scale.

And, because I am in the mood, I shall give you another subspecies:

Dis "Count:" An offshoot of the Faux Independent, the Count likes to have coupons that have to be redeemed up at the register. Or, even worse, they purchase items at are on sale, and must manually be altered by the supervising person, (Me) hence defeating the point of self checkout.

-Deimos